Guilt and Depression

Close on the heels of these emotions usually come waves of guilt. One despondent wife says: "I think women suffer a great deal with feelings of guilt. You blame yourself and wonder: 'What did I do wrong?'"

A betrayed husband reveals another aspect of what he calls roller-coaster emotions. He explains: "Depression becomes a new factor that sets in like bad weather." When her husband left her, one wife recalls that not a day went by that she was not in tears. "I can clearly remember the first tear-free day some weeks after he left me," she relates. "It was some months before I had my first tear-free week. Those tear-free days and weeks became milestones that marked my way forward."

Double Treachery
What many do not realize is that often the adulterer has dealt a bitter double blow to his spouse. In what way? Pat gives us a clue: "It was hard for me. He was not only my husband but also my friend—my best friend—for many years.— Yes, in most cases a wife turns to her husband for support when problems arise. Now, not only has he become the cause of very traumatic problems but he has also stopped being a much-needed source of help. In one fell swoop, he has caused severe pain and robbed his wife of her trusted confidant.

As a result, the profound sense of betrayal and shattered trust is one of the most overwhelming feelings experienced by innocent mates. One marriage counselor explains why marital betrayal can be so emotionally crippling: "We invest so much of ourselves, our hopes, dreams and expectations, in marriage . . . , searching for someone we can really put our faith in, someone we feel we can always rely on. If that trust is suddenly taken away, it can be like a house of cards blown over in the wind."

Quite clearly, as noted in the book How to Survive Divorce, victims "need help in sorting out the emotional upheaval . . . They may need help in working out what choices they can make and how to make them." But what are those choices?